You Were Serious About That?

As the title suggests, it turns out I guess I was serious about that! What was I serious about? Lucky for you, I’m long winded so you’re going to find out :)

In December 2024, we (read: I dragged poor Joe C by the collar) made the decision for me to leave my job and stay home full time with our sweet pea and spicy pepper, Maeve and Rooney in our new home of Gordonsville, VA. It turns out that means actually spending every waking, sometimes sleeping, minute with these two girls. What may sound like a ‘duh’ comment was actually a belly sinking realization that it was literally that-taking full responsibility for these coocoo birds (writer included). Not only trading in corporate chic for chasing chicks, real (soon!) and literary, God was encouraging me to leave the tools and lifestyle behind that have allowed me to survive and thrive this long in the working world. At the summit of ‘making it’, I had the job of my dreams, earning a salary I literally didn’t even dream of because it seemed out of reach, a beautiful home (again dream undreamt before now), with a healthy family and 20 pounds lighter than I’d ever been in my adult life. But the amount of strings attached to hold me up at the summit were starting to fray and before I knew it, I was free falling in Rooney’s nursery begging God to show me another way. Here’s where your patience and hopefully a little piqued interest will be made useful.

From my teen years into the first year of college, I have always been sleepy. Most people can probably recall some sleepy teenage or early adult years as well- noon or later wake up times, nap taking and ability to fall asleep virtually anywhere are normal hallmarks of this age. But have you ever slept on average 12, 14 up to 18 hours a day? Every day for most of those teen to early adult years? I certainly hope not but if you have, I know the struggle. To feel like you’re wearing a cloak of fatigue, heavier than you ever felt capable of shedding, is little suffocating and a lottle depressing. When you’d rather sleep than hang out with your friends, look forward to your next opportunity to lay down, spend your waking hours eating because it's the only thing that helps keep you awake … life can feel short sighted. In the way I imagine an addict looking for their next fix, it felt like that but for sleeping. How can you even describe that to someone? First by staying awake long enough to speak to them, but then mustering enough energy to form the thought and then defend it? Amidst the (very real) culture of fad to quick fix, apathetic teenager-hood, and the general busyness of life – I was tired before I could even give it a thought.

Me eating dinner with Deuce Bigalow

Thankfully, I didn’t have to do the heavy lifting with trying to explain what was going on. My mother suffers from the same affliction, which they call Narcolepsy in the medical world. Our family physician, whom we still adore to this day, Dr. Eric Vallone was able to step in to provide some relief. Starting with some bloodwork and series of verbal assessments (my favorite), we knew my B12 was in the terlet and was likely I had the same condition as my mother. For a year, I did B12 intramuscular injections every week (youch) first at his office and finished at the VCU health clinic. The levels only rose to a still clinically concerning low number which meant – it wasn’t helping enough and by my first semester of college, I was sleeping up to 18 hours a day. Taylor can attest to this madness. Sleep begets sleep and when you’re sleeping that much, your body isn’t actually repairing itself let alone building a healthy body for you to use during waking hours. Not just physically, to even form thoughts and retain information was such an overwhelming challenge, I felt like Mr. Schneebly- a fat loser with body odor. You better believe if I wasn’t awake long enough to learn anything or do anything with my friends, I wasn’t taking proper care of myself with things like bathing. Like a bear hibernating, I was literally only awake long enough to eat and scare off college coeds in my afternoon classes. I was overweight, angry and disgusted with myself, and depressed crying to my family at home every single weekend instead of experiencing the real first year ‘on my own’ in college. Does anyone want to be around an angry, bitter, sleepy (don’t forget smelly!) bear? I’ll let that hang in the air but to save time, the answer is no.

Everyone is entitled to their opinion on pharmaceutical medications and their clinical efficacy vs placebo effect. My career and personal experience in clinical research, pharmaceutical intervention, cognitive behavioral practices and holistic naturopathy has given me a unique, divine designed position to be able to share it with you and maybe others in the future. I went to school for Psychology, worked for a PTSD clinic while in college, ran a brain injury clinical research trial at the VA and most recently left my job where I supported the Phase 3 trial taking a new Narcolepsy drug to market. I was behind enemy lines!!! My insight was always suspiciously poignant when it came to patient experience. What can I say? God has a sense of humor and I am always in the front row howling every time something like that happens. When I look back on the last fourteen years, I have no regrets and only abundant gratitude for every moment that led me to this time in my life. God has a specific, deeply personal path laid out for every one of us that doesn’t need to be understood by those around us or even ourselves for it to be meaningful, impactful and fulfilling in the way He meant it. In the same way, our cross is built for us to carry and sometimes we pick up some accoutrement along the way that make our walk a little harder than it needs to be – whether by our own doing or something foist upon us. '"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be open to you" (Matthew 7:7). When you call out and ask for God’s help, He sends it to us through the Holy Spirit. When we think of needing help in a practical, hands-on physical sense for a faulty machine or broken instrument - we reach for a tool to fix it. Tools are just that- a device or implement used to carry out a function. There is no expiration date, stigma, or even confusion on what the purpose of a tool is in everyday conversation. When we apply that method of reasoning to medication, that should remove the aforementioned bugaboos that undoubtedly accompany this topic. Sadly, in the culture of quick fix and diagnosylmpics we’re living in now, these tools have become akin to training wheels on adult bikes or worse. My story is the difference between being of the world vs for this world. Tools are of the world, we are for this world and just passing through. But that doesn’t mean God expects us to figure it out on our own. In fact – the exact opposite.

One of the tools that saved my worldly life was Adderall from 2011 to 2024. Even sharing this with the most important people in my life is very vulnerable, because of course there is still some shame attached and old feelings of embarrassment that I couldn’t hack it on my own. But to share the exciting and new challenges I get to experience now, would be only half the story and perhaps a bit disingenuous. The time I’ve spent taking these medications have given me the opportunity to practice staying awake, knowing what schedule works best for me, how to spot spiraling thoughts, and many other things that happen during the course of the day (read: life). In the same way that I felt my life was saved in 2011, God saved my life again by sending the Holy Spirit to gently encourage me to wean off of these medications in December of last year. This was terrifying especially with two children to care for. What if I fell asleep while they were awake or didn’t hear them when they needed me? What if I had so little energy that I couldn’t care for them, let alone play and have fun? What if their earliest memories were of me sad, fat and sleeping all the time? What if the incessant thoughts something terrible would happen to them came back? What about the debilitating rumination on everything I ate, how I looked and how long I slept, and how to keep that from passing down to them? But the bible says no less than twenty times not to be afraid, not to feel discouraged, and not to give credence to disruptions of peace. Fear doesn’t come from the Lord, it comes from the father of lies. So on December 5, I took my last dose of both medicines and gave my YES to God that I trusted Him to give me the grace, energy, and healthy amount of sleep I needed to be the mother He made me to be. I took the training wheels off and started riding on my own with God at my back. I’m pleased to report that after three months, I haven’t fallen asleep on the job, gained 100 pounds or completely spiraled into a sinking pit of despair. I can’t comment on the bathing practices because I don’t believe in self-incrimination, something else I went to school for.

If you’re still here, you’re a real one. But back to the fun stuff-what the devil am I doing now all day every day?! Well, I don’t know and that's a first world problem but a transition nonetheless. I’ve been given a second chance on motherhood, my condition, and life with my beautiful family that could have slipped away before my eyes. Instead of attacking the day, the day comes to me. Instead of punishing myself for distracted thoughts, I let them wander and sometimes they lead to incredible ideas (manic entrepreneurship) but other times just a nice walk down memory lane. Instead of fretting over how I’m going to keep up with the chores of the house while staying engaged with the girls enough, I can harmonize those things together and not only teach but learn new things along the way with them.

Did anyone know that Thomas Jefferson founded UVA? Now we all do!

In the same era of quick fix, we’re living in an instant gratification culture where everyone is expected to take the same paths, shortcuts, life hacks and all the rest. For runners, you learn and then accept that your easy pace should never be compared to another’s easy pace, which also fluctuates and sometimes improves but not always. I’ve been humbled to learn that my life doesn't – and won’t – look the same as someone, anyone, else’s. That is the beauty of God’s relationship with us, we don’t have to think about or try to keep up with anyone else. One mans nightmare is another mans answered prayer. Romans 8:31 says 'If God is for you, how can anyone be against you?'.

My hope is that this column will be just the joy of sharing this renewed experience that God has gifted me with the people that matter the most to me. Perhaps you’ll get an eyeroll or laugh out of it, or maybe reading someone else’s happys or crappys will help to solve something you’re dealing with. God told us the last sign He was going to give us beautiful twerps was Jonah’s whale. And even that guy botched it!!! So maybe together we will learn to hear His voice a little clearer, feel His mercy making our cross a little lighter, and wrap ourselves a little tighter in the warm hug of His grace that is waiting for us … right on the other side of the door. I walked through that with Aunt Dee Dee’s help three months ago in a pretty drastic way. But as St. Josemaria and St. Terese of Liseux remind us, God’s glory is found in the mundane, monotonous, the pits of life. The most profound part of this still short, still ongoing experience is the time I’ve gotten back to spend with God, my family, and myself. God speaks to us through our thoughts (no one call the police, I don’t mean literally) so if we give Him the chance, how incredible could it be to hear Him? I hope we'll find out together.

Until next week, the rest is His & Henstory.