Dandy's Closet: Where Fashenistas Find Wisdom

“Thanks! It’s Dandy’s”. That is a line I’ve said no less than a thousand times to many people in my life- coworkers, roommates, in-laws, strangers even. For anyone living under a rock, or doesn’t know me well, Dandy is my grandmother. You might be thinking, that is an odd (but I think you mean fun) moniker for a grandmama! It certainly is and there is no other Dandy out there like ours. It was on the short list of other obviously hilarious and unforgettable to this day ideas that didn’t make the cut. Maybe that will be a future post, but for now- her secrets (some) are safe with me. Back to the closet- how many of you started raiding your grandmother’s closet in middle school? Even if hands are up, that was rhetorical. I’m well aware of the classic grandmother aesthetic with the sweaters, slacks and probably a brooch somewhere in there. But that will not do for Dandy. A fashenista (you get it, right?) in her own right and has been since before I was born, she’s been adding to and sharing her closet, among other things, to this day. Sorry, Pappy! Don’t worry- my sisters and I raided his closet, too. Izod sweaters have no business being that comfortable and it’s not my fault his suit socks worked just as well for my school uniform. ANYWAY- back to me. Did we ever leave me? As the first granddaughter (of FIFTEEN… I’ve been throwing ‘bows for thirty years), I’ve had a p cool front row seat and first dibs to Dandy’s closet, and wisdom, that I’m incredibly proud to share bits and pieces of with you today. 

Dandy thanking God I wore a uni 9/12 months out of the year. Joe to the right always to weigh in on my outfits and eyebrows.

“Dandy doesn’t lie to you, it does you no good”. That’s another line I heard and repeated in jest to my sisters probably a thousand times, too. This shot across the bow usually came after I tried on something from her closet and it was NOT the ticket, as in- ten pounds of poo in a five pound bag. It didn’t look good, even though it was perfect in my head, whatever “it” was- the outfit, the hair, the nails, the look, the accessories, anything I was wearing or showing to the outside world. Even though she knew I’d immediately dissolve into a puddle of tears (always), she always told me the truth because it was important for me to hear. Some of you may have experience trying to delicately speak to an extremely emotional tweenage girl, even less of you live to tell the tale. It isn’t as easy as lame big brothers on Disney channel make it seem. Whether from avoiding discomfort, disinterest or genuine compassion for that tween girl- a lot of people are hesitant to tell the truth. Not Dandy, lucky me. She knew then, as she does now, that the truth is important for many hopefully obvious reasons, but largely so that I would be able to trust it when I heard it in the future. The second part of the hammer, which didn’t dull the sting, was that it does you no good. First- she establishes trust: Dandy doesn’t lie to you. Then- she performs the autopsy: it does you no good. By the time she told me it didn’t look good, I was already grieving myself into a puddle of emotions so I didn’t really care that it did me no good. We are way past no good!!! Kudos to both of us for surviving that time. 

Me to dandy 12/12 months of the year for every event

Twelve (twenty, thirty…) year old me had difficulty understanding and absorbing the weight of the meaning, purpose and virtue of truth. Why? Because as I’ve hopefully painstakingly explained by now- it’s hard to hear! And when it's hard to hear, people avoid it, to avoid the discomfort or the fallout that can come along with it. The Catholic Church loves to tell you things that are hard to hear, I’m sure everyone whether you’re team C or not would agree with such a statement. Some of the hardest lessons I’ve had to learn and continue to relearn is resigning to the truth, accepting the reality, and making friends as it were with the world around me as it is. I’m sure we’ve all been in a situation, past or present, that we wish were different- that the circumstances were different or better, that we were closer with someone or another, that we took this chance or avoided that path, but that doesn’t change the reality. Wishing things were, not as they are or were, does not change the situation at hand, it only paralyzes us in a state of lamenting and longing rather than pursuing productive outcomes or furthering worthy causes. To quote a wise woman- that does us no good. But it’s not all bad and not all hard to hear, especially as you get more used to the idea. Let me tell you about it (obvi). 

I think our culture has suffered from the conflation of kindness with permission, that allowing something to occur or continue to happen that would otherwise be detrimental to an individual or society at large is deemed acceptable under the (mis)guise of kindness. To be kind today, or at least in the classroom campaigns of the 2000s, meant we’re supposed to be nice to everyone, accept everyone in any state they’re in, keep our opinions to ourselves and make sure everyone gets a chance. All he cares about is school, his mom, and his friends. Is that bad??? Well, not in theory of course! But we don’t live in the theoretical or academic, we live in reality. Reality does not accept everyone, life does not give everyone a chance, and the world is not nice to everyone. Here’s where I’ll uselessly say but feels important all the more- I WISH IT WAS! Of course I wish things were fair, people were nice and that every outfit I don has glambot energy. But wishing that was the case does not make it so and if you’re reading this article- thank you for reading and you know I’m right. This is hardly groundbreaking and I am not demanding (though will accept, of course) the credit for sharing such wisdom. So what’s a hen to do these days? Let’s start by setting the record straight on what it means to be kind. And for this, I won’t take credit and you’ll read why (plz).

“Do you not know that God’s kindness is meant to lead you to repentance?" Romans 2:4. Kindness isn’t making someone feel good, isn’t flattery, isn’t condoning behavior we wouldn’t encourage or permit our daughters to do. Kindness is truth, it’s loving someone enough to be honest even if it’s hurtful (not harmful), it’s holding others and yourself to the same standard of decency. If Dandy or my family or my girlfriends hadn’t been honest with me, millions of times in my life and God willing millions more, then I wouldn’t be here writing on my back porch on a weekday while my girls have quiet/nap time. A peek behind the curtin- I can only let the digis fly when the yowling is inside. Kindness and therefore truth is necessary for us to learn, grow, recognize missteps or warning signs and hopefully overcome them by the grace of God. We have a sullied definition of kindness that doesn't allow for growth and therefore doesn’t cultivate the conditions for which we can flourish. We can’t have it both ways- yes that skirt looks great on you and you’re spilling out of it everywhere. Only one of us in that scenario is the truly harmed party, and it's the one with the asscheeks on the dancefloor. Now, I don’t say all of this to make this case to bring back bullying or advocate for shredding tweenage girls re their outfits, I think we can all agree there is a method of delivery that should be measured, patient and supportive. You can be encouraging while telling the truth. That skirt isn’t working but that top is killer! Try these bottoms on instead, planks will be easier to spank and all the more fun and better photos will be had. That may or may not be a passage from the book of June. Imagine we applied that practice to everyone, in all areas of life- habits, behaviors, words or comments, outfits and everything in between. There is a lot of buzz around Christian kindness and Jesus’s acceptance of the marginalized, the poor and the sick. Let’s take a page from His book. 

First, a few editors notes (is that appropriate here?)- our modern American or Western civ idea of poor is not the same as the biblical Jerusalem cruisers idea of poor. When we say poor today, we mean living paycheck to paycheck, burdened by crushing debt and robbing Peter to pay Paul. In their times, Peter didn’t have anything we could have robbed and Paul was constantly in jail. Poor in their time meant literally dying from starvation, begging for scraps of food, and praying you made it to your 40s. That’s not to diminish the very real challenges faced by the poor in today’s society, everything is relevant to the time you’re living in and just as we can’t imagine their lives, they couldn’t imagine ours today. Though to quote the notorious Mr. Smalls- mo money, mo problems. Let’s hope Diddy gets some Godly justice amirite? Now I know this isn’t all about me (LOL) but I do know what it’s like to be very poor and while we’ve been blessed beyond measure to have what we have now, monetary wealth is always fleeting. But it would be disingenuous to compare Jesus’s poor with first world poors. If we hopped the pond and a couple more countries over to the third world, then we could talk about more biblical poor-dom and that’s a topic for another day. Similarly for the sick, we do not have lepers or plague victims lining the streets as they did then. In fact, thanks to Jesus and His church, we now have the Christian charity and duty to care for those who are poor and sick so that there aren’t open air morgues in our cities. Treatment, clinics, care for the poor and sick was not as mainstream (read: didn't exist) as we’d like to believe it always was. Typically only the wealthy could have afforded a comfortable death, which is how it was to be sick back then. I wouldn’t have even made it to the age for Dandy to roast me for my outfits, what a time to be alive! It’s all about perspective. The marginalized are a tale as told as time- prostitutes and tax collectors. Maybe today they’re less marginalized but I’m not sure that’s progress. Usury and adultery are still sins??? Talk about great PR. So when we talk about Christian kindness for the poor, sick and marginalized, we need to keep our frame of reference on truth. True poverty, true illness and true marginalization is something very few of us have had to encounter. 

I’ll leave you with two shorts from the Word to round us out on kindness- honest to God, true Christian kindness. “But the tax collector, standing far off, would not even lift his eyes to heaven, but beat his breast, saying,’God, be merciful to me a sinner!’ I tell you, this man went down to his house justified rather than the other; for every one who exalts himself will be humbled, but he who humbles himself will be exalted” Luke 18:13-14. In the next gospel, John writes of the widely cited stone casting story. “And as they continued to ask him, he stood up and said to them, ‘Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her’. And once more he bent down and wrote with his finger on the ground. But when they heard it, they went away, one by one, beginning with the eldest, and Jesus was left alone with the woman standing before him. Jesus looked up and said to her, ‘Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?’ She said, ‘No one, Lord’. And Jesus said, ‘Neither do I condemn you; go and do not sin again’” John 8:7-11. Jesus does not say cast no stones but it’s okay, you’re just living your life who cares. God does not say to the tax collector to cut himself some slack, keep your head up and ignore the haters (taxees). To condone, excuse or worse- encourage or promote living sinfully, full of pride and driven by lust is not kind. We should want better for our brethren, our family and community. We should encourage and espouse the virtues that will foster a happy, healthy life. We should be honest when those standards aren’t met, when potentially permanent harm far outweighs temporary pain. If Dandy can say it to me, I owe it to everyone in my life to (try to) return the favor. Pray for the courage to be honest, extol good virtues, and live according to the Christian kindness Jesus hopes to see in all of us. 

Taking off my Wonderbread RB hat and putting on my Bruiser rights EW hat