How to Lose Your Life in One Year

As we come to the end of this year, it feels only fitting I give everyone- including myself- a recap of how much a life can change if, or when, you answer the call God has laid out before you. In the footsteps of the esteemed Andie Anderson writing for Composure Magazine, I’m going to give you my spin on the “How To” column this week. Now from the title you might be puzzled- why did you lose your life and why would I want to read about that? Well, I caught you somehow??? Just like Andie learns in the end, I’m going to briefly (LOL) share the same lesson that was waiting for me in the end. “For my yoke is easy, and my burden light” (Matthew 11:30). Light and easy is always something I’m going to sign up for, but in order for something to be light or easy- it turns out you have to trim the fat, otherwise you’re stuck with heavy and hard. This isn’t to say there aren’t times that are very hard and feel so heavy I can’t carry it on my own, and I don’t. Jesus is there to help carry my cross when it becomes too heavy, when the road is so dark I can’t see what’s in front of me, when I feel like I can’t lift my head up let alone take a step. I’ve had times (seasons) of heavy and hard throughout my life, as I’m sure everyone has and some far worse or easier than mine, but the unavoidable, unignorable (did I make that word up?) truth is that having Jesus Christ back in my life changes everything. I’m not even sure if I should say “back” in my life, because I’m not sure if I ever had Him truly in my life before now. I can say I’ve never felt the way I do now before- on fire for my faith, itching to talk about it at every chance (see also: Cady Heron re Regina George), and hungrier than ever to learn more, practice more, engage more deeply with the faith that’s always been part of my life but now takes center stage. The least I can do is try to give her, the Church, the write up she deserves; which will still, and always, fall short of the glory of God we will (hopefully) see in the end. 

Are you going to let us die? - me to joe after he says no more animals right now.

Two different ladies in my life have recited two different passages of the same story to me and you lucky lot get to hear all about that! But come on isn’t that funny? Picture this: Galilee, ~30s (totally guessing) AD. “A woman suffering hemorrhages for twelve years came up behind him and touched the tassel on his cloak. She said to herself, “if only I can touch his cloak, I shall be cured”. Jesus turned around and saw her, and said “Courage, daughter! Your faith has saved you”. And from that day forward the woman was cured” (Matthew 9:20-22). This woman lived in agony for twelve years and knew in her bones (spirit) that if she could just touch Jesus’s robes, she would be heard, or even healed. The Lord had heard her, all twelve years and every year before and after, of her life. The same is true for me and all of us. But the truth is- our, or my, idea of time is measured in much smaller or shorter increments than it was in biblical times. Beyond biblical, when I was born there was no 2 day shipping and we were taught how to use a floppy disk. In the computer lab. Which was a machine I only had at school and eventually in the kitchen where my mother was over my shoulder looking at my cringey adolescent AIM messages. I’ll tell you mine if you tell me yours … PINKcherries2093. I have never had a cherry in my life, let alone like them enough to put them in my handle, as we’d say nowadays. It just seemed pretty and flowery and nice and feminine - all the things I had no idea about at twelve years old, but girls DO dream! In fact, it’s what we do best most often. Anyway, enough dunking on me for now- back to the hemorrhage. This woman suffered for as long as I’d been alive by the time I made that AIM screenname, but just one brush of our lord and savior’s robes had healed her. Her faith in God was her lifeforce, that He hadn’t abandoned her and He was hearing her cries. To fully rely on God means just that - even amidst the suffering, the anguish, the dark times and lonely moments when it feels like another step, or another bloody day, would be the last- Jesus Christ walks before us ready to heal the hemmy (sorry, I hope she’d like the abbrev). I don’t mean to make light of her, or any of our, sufferings, because I know all too well how painful parts of our cross can be to carry. But more importantly, and really the point of the story, I know the profound earthly salvation that comes with reaching out to our lord, the One who came to heal then, now, and forever. 

Woo-wee! This was meant to be a light and fun wrap party of all things Henyard Company. But you all have to know by now I can’t give you the sweet without the added frosting (read: drama). Frost yourselves, Benny boo-boo. What does it mean to lose your life? The gospel of Matthew goes on to tell us, “whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it” (10:39). That sounded as scary and off-putting as all get out, at least it did to me when I was running at top speed on the hamster wheel of life just trying not to break my neck. Funny, I ended up falling off the wheel anyway and ditching the wretched thing all together, but it was the fall and hitting so many things on the way down that illuminated the message. To lose my life meant giving up what was my life- what made up my life before? My job, then my children, then my husband, then my home, then social activities, then running and so on and so forth. But in THAT order. That is disordered. Notice how my faith wasn’t even listed there, because that is the truth. I have always loved God and believed in Him, but it would be disingenuous to paint a pious picture when it wasn’t and the truth is He was a convenience for me, not a priority. Today I do nothing without God, literally. I’m yapping the poor Man’s head off all the live long day every single day. It’s only fair, my kids are yapping my ears off so I need to burn off my yapping energy somewhere!? Besides- I’m His design so He knows the bugs and features. I like to think He likes the yapping feature, rather than a bug. 

In between bending God’s ear and writing about it for you all to read- I’ve given the past year entirely to His will, surrendering and (trying to) give my Yes to this vocation. What did I lose, or give up, in the last year? Let’s round eem up! Material things like my Fabletics and FashionPass subscriptions, Starbucks thrice weekly (minimum), DoorDash and UberEats, house cleaners and laundry service, and any chance at a Louis Vuitton NeverFull bag (in medium brown for anyone jotting down notes). I lost the modern American structure of the day that I’d lived my entire life by for as long as I can remember- school, work, sports, repeat. I gave up social media, with the exception of Facebook because evangelizing has to evangelize somehow, that I’d turn to for comfort, pass the time, check out and doom scroll to just rot in peace. Plot twist- the rot was never peaceful. Our family had to give up vacations, at least for the next few years most likely, aside from the blessing of family trips or homes we’ve been invited on or to. We’ve had to give up the entire structure of everything we knew, everything everyone around us knew, and put our canteens in our rucksacks and set out on the Oregon trail to die of dysentery. That’s how I felt in February of this year, after the high of retiring wore off and it was still dark at 4 pm everyday. But spring does come, God is still working even in the 4 pm darkness. It’s not that serious to give up a very comfortable lifestyle but it is an intentional, direct change that impacted our entire family. God doesn’t ask us to stay comfortable, if that’s what Earth was for then we wouldn’t need salvation, let alone Heaven. But He isn’t calling (most of) us to live on the Oregon trail either, I’m happy to have learned and can now report- there is a vocational, happy medium that works precisely for me, you, everyone. 

It’s not only material items and opportunities Jesus called us to give up, I knew that was going to have to happen, but the other things I lost were entirely unexpected. I lost the chip on my shoulder in trying to “make it”, the needless insistence to sign my older daughter up for school, sports, activities and everything else; the anxiety and dread of the next workday that always came and was never kind, the restless and confusing frustration with my family for just existing too close to me; the resentment for my husband for not doing enough, my perception of doing enough. I shed the weight of expectations for my children, to allow them to be terrorists in their own home and grow up in a place where their imaginations will be preserved. I gave up the need to be first, to be right, to be sure of what’s in front of me before committing. I gave up what the world told me I needed to have to be successful- a job, money in the bank, 2 cars in the driveway and kids in the best schools. Instead I have what the Savior told me is my salvation- faith, marriage, motherhood. 

It’s not only the L’s we need to dish, what about the DUBs?!!!?? Too many to name, but I’ll try to give it my best elevator pitch. But I’ve hit every button in the elevator MWAHA! I received the blessing of slowing down, enjoying every meal with my two children that we mostly make together everyday. I have meaningful quality time with my husband, doing new things together with our children as they get older and experience more/new things- like cutting down our first Christmas tree. I have learned how to keep a house, by (trying to) keeping it clean, staying on top of daily tasks like laundry and dishes, teaching my children what it means to respect your home and live well within it. I’ve made and continue to build incredible friendships with the women from church, eagerly looking forward to the next event which happens to be the Christmas Eve play where the sweetest pea who ever lived will play an angel. I was CRYING during the rehearsal last week. This is a non-speaking role and she just stands there but it’s the sweetest image I’ve ever seen in my life to date. To clarify- something I did NOT give up is the ability to emote on command. Everything re my children makes me cry, you all can blame Christopher Mortensen (the first) for that gene tyvm. What’s striking, and silent but deadly, about my story is we had a perfectly fine, normal life. Things were generally okay, days moved forward and we all played our roles. But God doesn’t want us to simply get by, or schedule ourselves into oblivion, or mindlessly scroll to avoid the discomfort of silence. Time does not stop, days do not come back and I’ve never had children at this age or been married for this long until now. Everyday is the first time for something, while building on what we’ve learned the day before and so on. When my children look back on their childhood, they’ll see me in their memories (God willing). They have found a mother- a faithful, present, attentive and loving mother. My "loss" is their gain. That is worth losing everything for. 

Snow days are actual days off again. Not pictured: the face plant that happened right after this photo.

So that should give you all something (maybe!) to think about as we prepare for Christmas. Joy to the world, the lord has come. On paper, God asked me to give it all up- everything I knew for everything I didn’t (pretty literally). I only started picking up my chickens with own hands last month. But off paper, in real life, God has given me more in the past year than I ever would have achieved on my own in 100 years. Love, time, and vocation. Three gifts I’ve never put on my list, but He knew was what I needed. This Christmas, I pray every family has the time together they need, deserve, yearn for and come to demand. How to lose your life in one year? YES-GO!